Facebook Status Messages

Do u know similarity between Dinosaurs and Decent Girls?
Both don't exist.

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Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

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Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

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Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

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Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

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If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos,
then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

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What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

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Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before,
it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.

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The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

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You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you
where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

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Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.

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To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

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Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

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They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

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Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting 

when somebody across the table is reading it? 

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Teacher : "Gorge Washingtn not only chopped down his father's Chery tree, 

bt also admitted doing it.

Now do u know y his father didn't punish him ?

1 Student: " Bcoz Gorge still had Da axe in is hand.

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If you're looking for sympathy,
you'll find it in the dictionary
between "shit" and "syphilis"

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Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.

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Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.

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Everyone has the right to be stupid,
but you are abusing the privilege!

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It's so simple to be wise.
Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.

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1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family,
so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

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There are three kinds of people:
The ones who learn by reading.
The ones who learn by observation.
And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.

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When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

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A celebrity is someone who works hard
all his life to become known and then
wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.

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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.

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Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

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Join The Army, visit exotic places,
meet strange people, then kill them.

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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'
I said 'No, six should be enough.'

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Why do people keep running over a string
a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,
then reach down, pick it up, examine it,
then put it down to give their
vacuum one more chance?

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