Short Funny Quotes

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

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I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

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Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

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Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather..
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

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If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

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